Well, I have now been 30 for 3 days 11 hours and 32 minutes. In my world that officially makes me an expert. I have learned a few things in the short time since I have been 30 that I feel it is my duty to pass along to all of you, my dear friends, that are right behind me finishing up your twenties. Those of you who have left 30 in your dust, I have no advice for you. Except when you take a skillet out of the oven, don’t forget it’s hot and grab the handle. I still regret that one. So here goes:
Thoughts Upon Turning 30
A Short List by Elisa Lindsey
- The most important thing you should remember is that you will do some truly awesome things for your birthday, you will get amazing once in a lifetime presents. You will plan the most lavish birthday you have ever had and inside you will feel like nothing has changed. You expect, whether subconsciously or not, to feel different but you just don’t. You feel like it’s a really special day when you’re still 29.
- Someone will call you old. No matter if your friends are older or younger, SOMEONE will call you old. And it will sting. In addition, I was invited to a cougar bar within my first two days of being 30. And that stung too. Then you will realize “Hey! I look pretty darn good for 30!” Which also leads me to my next item on the list:
- You are suddenly hot. In 24 hours you just went from being an old 20 year old lumped into the same category as supermodels, young actresses, playmates, and barely legal cheerleaders to being the young hot 30 year old. Now you’re the supermodel. You’re the barely legal one the guys clamor for, and trust me, randomly men who you have known for years and always said “but you’re beautiful!” when you were fishing for compliments will go out of their way to tell you that you look hot now that you’re 30. And the numbers will surprise you. Older men think you are the age they have a chance but you’re still hot, young, and gorgeous. Younger men suddenly see you as the sexy older woman just reaching her sexual peak who actually has a brain and can have a conversation unlike the vapid little girls they continually meet in bars. In short, you’re REALLY effing hot now and in your prime. Go for it!
- Clothes. Clothes, which were never easy are suddenly more of an issue than they have ever been. You are now in that odd place between low-rise jeans that show your thong and mom jeans. You suddenly realize your constant wardrobe of clubbing clothes and eye catching neon is completely ridiculous. But you don’t want to put on jeans that have an elastic waist and an embroidered sweatshirt (dickey optional) yet. So you wipe the glitter from around your eyes, pull the jeans out of the back of your closet, (the ones your mom bought you on her last trip to visit) and put on a button down shirt that you hope isn’t too wrinkly or shows too much cleavage and prepare to take on the world.
- Who you are and all your dreams have changed in the last few years and you didn’t realize it. Slowly over the last couple of years your priorities have switched. That career as an astronaut you always wanted that made you decide to be part of Nasa? It has been replaced with a more sensible and personally rewarding job building rockets. You never had an “ah-ha!” epiphany moment, you just suddenly were no longer the person you were when you turned 20 and you are suddenly okay with it. That doesn’t mean you give up on your dreams, though! Quite the contrary, you still truly pursue what you want to do but the reasons why have changed. I still act because I love it, but not because I wanted to be a rich famous actor like I did when I was a starry-eyed 19 year old. Now I want to write and bake, with a small steady acting gig on the side. Hopefully you didn’t spend $100,000 in student loans on a career you want as a hobby now. Maybe the business degree WAS a good idea because no one seems to know what in the hell a Liberal Arts degree ACTUALLY is
- Look at your contacts on your phone. See all those party friends you never call anymore? Yep. You have slowly phased them out. My idea of a great night is cooking dinner, baking something, and catching the new CSI while I drink some beer. While my party friends still call to see if I want to hit up Sunset Strip and meet some guys, I just simply don’t want to. And once I realized the only thing we had in common was partying, I slowly faded away. I still consider them my ‘Ride or Die’ bitches and have a grand idea that someday we will all be able to be friends again, I can’t exactly invite them to my cousin’s “Rocking Bar Mitzvah”. Not after the table dancing incident at my Aunt’s 90th birthday.
- Everyone you are or ever have been related to will realize you’re 30 and ask when you’re getting married and/or having children. All of them. And if you’re a female turning 30, all the older women who have just wanted you to settle down now just want you to have a baby before your eggs shrivel up. They have thrown the idea out the window that an old maid like you will ever be married and have decided they would rather live with the shame of your bastard child in the family than no child at all. Brace yourself. Prepare witty comebacks like, “Did you forget to iron your face today?!” or “Well in two to three years you won’t have to worry about this anymore, will you?” If those don’t work, deflect attention on someone else “Did you see Cousin Mary brought her boyfriend to the reunion? They have been together for 6 years, did you know that?” The older relative will immediately smell champagne and wedding favors in the air and finally leave you to polish off the fifth of gin you snuck in by yourself.
- Last, but not least. Everyone will give you advice. Ignore it. 30 is different for everyone and you will handle it in your own way. As a matter of fact maybe you should forget you ever read this blog. After you forward it your friends of course.